Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"My other car was a bicycle last time."

 

[01dragonslayer]

You Know You Live in San Francisco When...

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class - but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

 

[01dragonslayer]

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied ... "but what is growing in your butt?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the pig say on a hot summer's day?
I'm bacon.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Short Irish Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, Whats taking so long? Hit the damn ball!
The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.



Forget it, man, says his partner. Youll never hit her from here.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The difference between theory and experiment
A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man--a theoretical physicist--on his hands and knees under a street light, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician replied, I'm looking for my car keys. Being a helpful sort, the fellow started searching, too.

After a time he asked, "Are you sure you lost them here?"



"Of course not" replied the theoretician. "But at least there's light here."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Australia?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!

 

[01dragonslayer]

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.â€

 

[01dragonslayer]

Son Says: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad Says: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway...

Mom and dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.




As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Answering Machine Message 214

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde goes to her doctor complaining of body pains.
Her doctor asked "Where does it hurt?"

She touches her elbow and says, "here." She then touches her

knee and says "here too."

The doctor asks if it hurts anywhere else.

She says it seems to be everything she touches hurts.

The doctor says, "Well there is your problem. Your finger

is broken."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why should you never play games in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.

 

[01dragonslayer]

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.
"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."

The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.

When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.

Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"

A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No! My girlfriend goes to Wesleyan!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

hooters has opened a casino in Las Vegas. This is one casino where gamblers don't mind going for bust.