Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

 

[01dragonslayer]

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why do basketballs and footballs have goosebumps, but not baseballs?

Baseball is played in the summer.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.



At that time, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks "great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally, the woman yells "Damn, Spot, get down before he shits on you."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"



The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion.

The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.

It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What does a blonde consider safe sex?


A: A padded head board.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Wife: Did you see your dentist this morning? Husband: I did. Wife: Then why did I spot you with a pretty woman in the park? Husband: Yes, that's my dentist!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.



He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Ron White: Calling Home From the Road
I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. Im like, Shoot him. She goes, Thats just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and youre being sarcastic. Alright, honey, Im sorry. Put the dog on the phone. Ill talk to him.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call five dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.



Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!



Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He is wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

 

[01dragonslayer]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, Got any gwapes?, and the bartender replies, No, sorry I dont sell grapes here. So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, Got any gwapes? The bartender replies, No, sorry I dont sell grape here. The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, Got any gwapes? The bartender angrily replies, I dont want to have to tell you again, I dont sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar! The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, Got any nails? The bartender looks at him and screams, No, we dont have any nails! The duck then asks, Got any gwapes?

 

[01dragonslayer]

On New York's Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it’s a great school and completely secular.After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, “By the way Dad, do you know what ‘Trinity’ means? It means the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.â€
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, “Danny, I’m going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God. AND we don’t believe in Him!â€

 

[01dragonslayer]

Alice is on holiday with her two sisters, Mary and Joan and their husbands David and Peter.

One evening, after getting drunk on ladies drinks, Alice makes a confession: "Last night my husband asked me to swallow. Isn't that disgusting, who'd do such a thing?"




Mary and Joan look a little embarassed and then admit that they both swallow with their husbands.

"Oh my goodness!" Gasps Jane, "what does it taste like?"

Mary admits that David's tastes a bit too bitter. And Joan admits that Peter's is to sweet.




"But whatever you do," warn the sisters, "don't ever let your husband know you don't like the taste!"

Alice downs her drink and tells her sisters that she's going to find John, her husband, and try it out.

The next day, the sisters meet up and Alice looks really upset.

"What happened?" Asked Joan.

"John's dumped me." Wailed Alice. "I did everything you said, and after I swallowed I said, Oh John, that tastes lovely, not too bitter like David's or too sweet like Peter's!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mom: You've got your socks on inside out. Little boy: I know, Mom. They've got holes on the other side.