Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A father is sitting in his chair watching t.v. when all of a sudden his 9 year old son comes running through the house.

The boy runs into the kithchen grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth runs back through the livingroom grabs the cat, bites the cat and runs out the door.

The father sits there dumbfounded and wonders what his son is doing. Well a few minutes later the boy runs back in the house and does the same exact thing.

He runs into the kithchen,grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth then runs into the livingroom grabs the cat, bites him and runs out the door.

Now the father is REALLY curious about what his son is doing so the next time he comes in he was just going to have to ask.

Well sure enough a few minutes later here comes his son running into the house to the kitchen grabs a handful of the m&m's runs into the livingroom grabs the cat and bites him and when he went to run out the door his father stops him and says, "son what in the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing." says his son.

"Then why are you running into the kitchen grabbing a handful of m&m's popping them in your mouth then running in here grabbing the cat and biting him then taking off out the door?"

The boy replies," I'm practicing on being a biker like you daddy... popping pills, eating pussy and runnin'!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an
Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far

Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make



conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"

The Oriental fellow nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our

Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful

50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of

"encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries

of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down,

and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like

speechee?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Who is the best Zen teacher?
M.T. Ness

 

[01dragonslayer]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?
A: Because the sun was out.

 

[01dragonslayer]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?


A: Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Father Murphy walks into a bar and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."



Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Brien and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Brien said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"



O'Brien said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

 

[01dragonslayer]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.
The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."

"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.

"Yes." The doctor said.

"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."

"Why?" asked the doctor

The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food.
"Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves.

The next day the duck comes back. Got any duck food? he asks.

"I told you -- only dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks."

The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food.

Now the man behind the counter is annoyed. I've told you for three days running, we don't carry duck food.

"Okay, thanks."

The fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food section."

The counterman blows his stack. You come in here one more time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that?

Next day the duck shows up again.

"What do you want?" the counterman asks threateningly.

"Um, got any nails?" the duck says.

"No, no nails."

"Okay, got any duck food?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.



"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

 

[01dragonslayer]

"OLD" IS WHEN - Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN - Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN - Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are not sure these are jokes.