Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically



okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.

 

[01dragonslayer]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

 

[01dragonslayer]

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job. So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. Well, he said, Both of you got the same score except Im going to choose the geek. The jock complained, Dont you think thats prejudice or something? Well, the boss said, Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered I dont know, and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, Me either.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with

me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here

and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you

that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of

my love for you, so that you will love me even when you

cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or

unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as

you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And

it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal

was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam

said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the

Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new

animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will

be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him

'Dog.'"

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved

him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel

came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with

pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he

is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is

loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a

companion who will be with him forever and who will see him

as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,

so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would

not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he

was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was pleased.

And the Dog was pleased.

And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover that they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if he can bring them over to mate with his male pigs. "Sure", says Farmer Jones.

Farmer Brown loads his twelve pigs into the truck. When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend the day mating with the males. Before he leaves, Farmer Brown says, "By the way, I've never had pigs before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"

"Well," says Farmer Jones, "look for signs of unusual behavior. That's usually how you know."

The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees nothing unusual. So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones' farm again. The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so, once again, he takes them to the Jones' farm. The next morning, he feels too discouraged to look out the window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"

Well, she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck and the twelfth one's blowing the horn."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Furious diner: Waiter! I found a cockroach in my meal! Call the manager in here! Waiter: That's no use, sir. He's scared of them, too!

 

[01dragonslayer]

You might be a reneck if...
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'

Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the gangster's son say to his father when he failed an exam? "Dad, they questioned me for three hours but I told them nothing."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What's the definition of a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,' My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's class teacher.

 

[01dragonslayer]

`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove to it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."



"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?â€
“He came from heaven, Johnny.â€
“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife about it, she simply told him, "It's my turn."

"What do you mean, your turn?!" yelled the husband.

"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you know when its going to be a good day at work?
A: When you see your boss picture on the side of the milk carton.