Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Life isn't too short. It's the longest thing anyone will ever do."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Law of Advertising
Truth won't stick to glossy paper.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a blond with a brain? A golden retriever.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why did your ex decide to take a bath?


A: Because they wanted to be a Kleenex!

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.

"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods.




The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt.

"See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.



SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. Its like, You want some tequila? No, dude, the last time I had that.... It doesnt happen with anything else. Do you want some jelly beans? No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I cant even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
The blonde works in the dark!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Rejecting Pick-up Lines
Guy: "Haven't we met before?"
Gal: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Guy: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Gal: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"



Guy: "Want to Dance?"
Gal: "No, thank you."
Guy: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Guy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Gal: "It's in the phone book."
Guy: "But I don't know your name."
Gal: That's in the phone book too.

Guy: "So what do you do for a living?"
Gal: "Female impersonator."



Guy: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Gal: "Unfertilized, go away!"

A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Two young dudes are striding down the street and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistak

Gal:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea;
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

 

[01dragonslayer]

This guy gets these chronic migraine headaches. One day he sees a doctor about his problem.
The doctor gives him a thorough examination and says, "I can cure your headaches, but I'll have to cut your balls off to do it."

At first the man is horrified at this idea, but the headaches keep getting worse and worse. He can't work or sleep, his sex life is nonexistent, and he's generally miserable. Finally, he goes back to the doctor and says, "I don't care anymore, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned headaches!

The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away.

The guy is relatively happy, now. He may not have a sex life, but he figures this is price he has to pay for a life without pain. One day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He goes to this nice new men's shop downtown.

As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and says, "You wear a 44 long jacket, don't you?" The guy says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

"It's in the eye," says the clerk. "Your neck is seventeen and one quarter inches, but given your build, medium shirt sleeves should work."

"That is incredible!" the guy says. "Hmm... and you wear a 36 large jockstrap."

"Ah hah! You're wrong," the guy says gleefully. "I wear a 32 small jockstrap."

"No, you have to wear a 36 large," says the clerk.

"Look, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I wear a 32 small."

That's impossible," says the confused clerk. "A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and give you migraine headaches."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Truly amazing stuff!
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.

Dormitory: Dirty Room

Evangelist: Evil's Agent

Desperation: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness: Genuine Class

Semolina: Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one

Contradiction: Accord not in it

 

[01dragonslayer]

John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom.
"Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.



SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.