Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

How do sailors get their clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and then they are washed ashore

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Blonde was siting in a barber chair with headphones on.
The barber asked the blonde to take off her headphones, she

replied "No I can't". So the Barber waited for the Blonde to

fall asleep then he took off her headphones. Idmeniently she

died. During the police Investigation one of the officers

listend to the tape the blonde was listning to. This is what

he heard: "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in, breath out.....

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psycho path.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Son's first day at school and the father say's
"OK son what happened at school today"
"I topped the class at Math's today".
"Well son thats because your a New zealander"
Second day at school and the father say's
"what happened at school today"
"I topped class in English"
"Well son thats because your a New zealander".
Third day at school and the father say's
"What happened at school today"
"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the shower's and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"
"Is that because I am a New zealander Dad".
"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".

 

[01dragonslayer]

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.



8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.



16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How in the world do you circumcise a redneck?


A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Once, there was a middle-aged man named Herman who decided to try a different golf course than his usual.

On the second hole he met up with another man, named Elmer, so they decided to golf together.




As they were teeing off on the 6th hole, a gorgeous naked woman runs past, followed by two men in white coats.

Herman looks in awe at the woman, and a few seconds later another man in a white coat runs by holding two buckets of sand.

Herman then asks Elmer, "What the hell was that?" to which Elmer replies, "There is a mental institution down the street and every day, that woman tries to escape. The men in the white coats are the ones trying to catch her. The person who catches her gets to carry her back."




Herman thought for a moment then said, "OK, but who was the man holding the sand buckets?"

Elmer answered, "He caught her yesterday, the sand is his handicap."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out.

He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"

Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!"

The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."

Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?



The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"



"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, A scotch on the rocks, please. The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, This gorilla doesnt know the prices of drinks, and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, You know, we dont get too many gorillas in here.
The gorilla replies, Well, at $9.85 a drink, I aint coming back, either.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.
Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.