Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If people from Poland are called 'Poles' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's?'

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was holding hands with the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

because it thought they were playing a game!

 

[01dragonslayer]

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"




"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...



I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."



My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[01dragonslayer]

When their car broke down a Jew, an Indian and an Australian knocked on a farmer's door to ask for accommodation for the night.
"I only have room for two, one of you will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer.
"Alright, I will," said the Jew.
But 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door.
"There's a pig in the barn, I can't sleep in there," said the Jew.
"Okay, I'll go," said the Indian. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door.
"There is an un-sacred cow in the barn," he said.
"No worries mate, I'll go," said the Australian. Five minutes later there was yet another knock at the door.
It was the pig and cow!!!

 

[01dragonslayer]

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

[01dragonslayer]

In the prime of her career, a world famous
painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful

that she might lose her life as a painter, she

went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and

therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter

was so grateful that she decided to show her

gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic

eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a

press conference to unveil her latest work of

art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter

noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,

"What was your first reaction upon seeing your

newly painted office, especially that large eye

on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself,

'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
Ma'am, did you know you were speeding? the officer said.



The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?

He said you were speeding! the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

I see you are from Arkansas, the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call a monkey with bananas in both ears?

A: Anything you want -- he can't hear you!

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit! "Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.



Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Well, no I'm not.

Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...

 

[01dragonslayer]

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.



"Do you always carry your TV remote when you go shopping?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even with him!"