Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."



The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!"




But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.



'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

 

[01dragonslayer]

Guy points out that selling clothes to n*dists is a bit of a (bear - bare) market.

 

[01dragonslayer]

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if theres any place where he can get a pizza.
The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, What the heck did you put on this pizza?
The delivery man bows deeply and says, Just what you ordered -- pepper only.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo momma so stupid she returned a CD because it had a hole in the middle.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa .. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from this lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about the first two. You only get one wish!"

The man sat down, and thought about it for a long while, and then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed, and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish!!"

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, my wish is that I could understand women...know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment or walk away...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie replied and said, "Sir, do you want that bridge to Hawaii with two lanes or four"???!!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.



"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor. At first, she bore it stoically. But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going on.

"Oh, they're holding a Policemen's Ball" replied the clerk.

"Well," said the old lady, "isn't it about time they let go?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

How do sailors get their clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and then they are washed ashore.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Business One-liners 92

Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.
Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
Only them as knows their own...knows.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.
Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.

 

[01dragonslayer]

You might be a reneck if...
You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.

You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.



Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.

You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

World's Smartest Woman
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., " so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die," so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world," so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute."

The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Do you know why the Roman Coliseum went out of business?


A: The lions were eating up all the prophets.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Bad Wish
Two happily married 60 year olds were on vacation when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a Jeanie came out. The Jeanie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for.
He said to the Jeanie, "I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me." Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man.
What's the moral of the story?
-Be careful what you wish for.

 

[01dragonslayer]

One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinkinig till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.



They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.

On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.



They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS : All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS) Q.2. Write the name of the bride and groom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS) Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS) Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS) Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)