Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: Ill bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop.
The bartender laughs and says, Youre crazy, but youre on.
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
What are you smiling at? asks the bartender. You just lost $1,000!
Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Poland?
A: A tourist.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Statues
For deca...

The Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

You've been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.



The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's the difference between and African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3000 miles.

 

[01dragonslayer]

School Collection 30

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

What did Noah do for a job?
He was an arkitecht!

What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!

Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!

Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

 

[01dragonslayer]

-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.-- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.-- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.-- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.-- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.-- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see as to why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."




President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov, who is Russian, Scotty, who is Scottish, and Sulu, who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."





President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[01dragonslayer]

How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist?
He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

/

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt.

Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."




"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."

So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again.

"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.

"Well?"

"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom.

"And so...?" inquired Charles.

"Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body."

"She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"




"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."

Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?
A: Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The younger we are, the more we want to change the world. The older we are, the more we want to change the young.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Jewish guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey where'd you get that?" Parrot says, "In Brooklyn, they're everywhere.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?

In a hog cabin!


What is the slowest racehorse in the world?

A clotheshorse!


Why do pigs never recover from illness?

Because you have to kill them before you cure them!


What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog!


What do you call sheep that live together?

Pen friends!


What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?

An egg!


What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?

Udder nonsense!


What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

Use a cowculator!


What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?

'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!


What's a cows favorite vegetable?

A cowat!