Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What does a cheetah say when someone looks at it?
A: "I've been spotted!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call stoned Mexicans?
A: Baked beans.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.