Jokes and Funny Stuff.....

[01dragonslayer]

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.

 

[01dragonslayer]

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is Mozart doing right now?
A: Decomposing.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies?
A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

[01dragonslayer]

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.